It can be a balancing act, and without guidance and direction, it can seem nearly impossible for revert brothers.
Most reverts face a lot of pressure to get married. First they have problems with community acceptance as an outsider, no Muslim family to support them, and usually face racism and discrimination for a number of different reasons.
Some often feel depressed and lonely, as hopelessness enters their hearts, and sometimes they are led to believe that there is no chance to get married to a Muslimah. This sometimes leads some revert brothers to seek out non-Muslims for marriage, or leave Islam altogether out of hopelessness.
The following ten tips are to make it easier for our brothers to gain hope, and make goals, and achieve them insha-Allah. Doing your best and following these tips will increase your chances of finding your ideal bride to be.
1. Improve Upon Your Deen – You Must Be Strong
"…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity…" (An-Nur24: 26)
Revert brothers face a huge stigma when it comes to their knowledge of the deen.
It is a legitimate concern for parents of a Muslim woman to ensure that their daughter marries a very pious, honest, respectable man. It is the biggest hurdle for a revert brother because if he is weak in his faith, he may resort to his non-Muslim lifestyle, or even worse leave Islam entirely. If a man leaves Islam, his wife would have to divorce, and no one wants to fear the possibility of divorce due to this reason.
Learn your deen extensively and become a strong pious Muslim before seeking marriage. You must show that you are strong in faith, and adhere to all Islamic teachings to gain the trust of a woman and her family.
2. Strive to Attain a Good Education and Career to Support a Family
A major difference between most Western and Muslim societies is that university education is often free; thus making most men having a degree very common. In Western societies, one must spend a fortune usually to attain a university degree. As a result, the woman or her family will seek a man with a university education, and if he doesn’t have one, they may seek someone else. They want to ensure that the man can provide a good living to support a family. So, do your best to get some sort of higher education to have a career that can maintain a family life without struggles.
3. Learn About the Spousal Responsibilities – Be Willing to Accept
Islam holds both the husband and wife to many roles and responsibilities in an Islamic marriage. Both have rights upon the other. Western cultures tend to not fit this mold, so you must learn about and accept what is expected of you as a husband.
The feminist movement in the West has reversed many roles in western society. This does not imply that Islamic societies don’t give women rights, but obligations are set forth upon the men to be the sole supporter of the household.
A husband shouldn’t expect or plan for his wife to also need to work to support the family before getting married. The wife can opt to do this if she chooses, but it shouldn’t be expected. This is an important matter to discuss before getting married. Some women may feel they don’t want to be expected or needed to work, and prefer to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, and if you marry and discover this afterwards, it can put a strain on the marriage. It is very well known that a majority of marriages fall apart due to financial difficulties in both Muslim and non-Muslim societies.
If you are not in a position to do this, it is recommended to wait until you are stable enough to do so. It will make the start of the marriage go more smoothly.
4. Start Saving Before Seeking Marriage
Most Muslim societies have a very strong family support system that is different from western norms. This doesn’t mean that western societies don’t have strong family ties, but there are differences.
The biggest difference is that in most Muslim societies, the children remain living at home until they marry, even if they are 40 years old. The families support them until they marry. This allows the son to work and save money to put towards purchasing a home, car, and preparing for a dowry (mahr), and a marriage celebration when he gets married. It gives him time to prepare for his future and ability to save a lot of money.
In western societies, it is all too common for the children to move out of their family home between 18-21 years of age, and must support themselves 100%. This makes it harder for a westerner to save money towards bettering their future. So, it is best advised to get your education, and find a stable job and save some money before seeking to marry to improve your chances of finding a wife and getting acceptance from her family.
5. Avoid Those Who Seek Division of Nationalities & Cultures
Sadly, racism and nationalism is still deeply embedded into the minds of people all around the world. You may encounter families that insist their daughters marry a cousin, or a neighbor they grew up with. Many families hold onto their nationalism with an iron fist, and refuse to allow their daughters to marry an outsider. There are also many that favor a lighter skinned person over dark skinned due to cultural stereotypes. (49: 13)
You can’t change your skin color or your nationality, so there isn’t really much a person can do about this other than educating the ignorant to rid them of this social disease.
If you find that a woman or her family hold such enmity within themselves on skin color or nationalism, it is best to just avoid them, and say “Alhamdulillah” that you discovered it before getting married. Do you really want in-laws like that anyway?
6. Prevent Past Sins from Affecting Your Future
Everyone sins, and before accepting Islam you probably had many sins that you don’t want to be reminded of, or held against you. All your prior sins before accepting Islam were erased, and you were given a new slate because God has forgiven you for them.
If a woman or her family inquires about your previous lifestyle, you don’t have to give details, and it is better to just avoid it in a nice manner. Simply remind them that God has forgiven you for sins when you accepted Islam, and that Islam has transformed you into a better person. The less information you give, the less they have to hold against you. Don’t give them things from your past to judge you about, because they may think it is just a matter of time before you do those things again. Save yourself the headache. Think about how it can come back to haunt you in the future before you speak.
If you had sexual encounters in your past, it is recommended to make sure you test yourself for sexually transmitted diseases before searching for a spouse. If you are asked if you are a virgin, and you are not, you can be honest and simply state that you are not a virgin any longer, but don’t go into anything further than that.
You are not obligated to give specifics. Just remind them as stated earlier that your prior sins have been erased and leave it as that, because if you tell your wife, or her family anything about these encounters, it can put a dark spot on their heart towards you and implant negative thoughts about you into their mind and may increase over time. Reaffirm them that you no longer live that sort of lifestyle and strive to be a good Muslim.
7. Implement Proper Islamic Behavior at All Times
To gain respect amongst Muslim, and a future wife, and her family, you must show that you are aware and implement Islamic behavior and manners. Your reputation can either ‘make you or break you’. If you are still holding onto a non-Muslim lifestyle, manners, and behaviors, it can damage your reputation so much that you won’t have anyone to recommend you or accept you.
Do not get involved in haram relationships with a woman before marrying her, because she will realize that you didn’t follow Islam with her in the beginning and may put fear in her heart that you may not follow Islam in other ways in the future. It will only cause heartache and trust issues in the future.
You can’t begin seeking the halal by doing haram. God will not put blessings into such relationships. Gain God’s pleasure by seeking marriage in the halal ways to ensure as many blessings as possible.
Don’t expect to find a woman that models the wife of the Prophet Muhammad if you are not modeling the Prophet yourself. Be the ideal Muslim man to find an ideal Muslim wife.
8. Learn About Various Cultures & Customs
Inter-cultural marriage will always have clashes based on their differences. New Muslims often feel they must accept and integrate into their spouse’s culture. Remember that both the husband and wife will expect the other to adapt to their culture.
The important thing is to avoid learning and implementing anything that is un-Islamic. If you can agree to learn and adapt to the other’s culture, minus the un-Islamic matters, it will make things easier.
9. Remember to Make Dua’
Dua’ is the weapon of the believer, and we should make use of this gift that is a mercy upon us. God accepts the dua’s of a sincere believer.
10. Put Your Trust in Allah & Pray Istikhara
Istikhara (prayer of guidance) is another special prayer and tool that we must always use when we are seeking guidance from God on all important matters of life.
You may find a woman that you feel is suitable to marry, but if you pray istikhara, you may be given signs or indicators of things that could possibly destroy the marriage. Zainab even postponed her marriage proposal offered by the Prophet so that she could seek council from God through istikhara first before making a decision. God is the knower of all things, and if we ask Him to show us what we are blinded to, it can save us from a lifetime of misery. Trust in God in all affairs to be guided to goodness. (2:186)
Conclusion:
Although the ideal solution would be to snap our fingers, and bring everyone out of their fantasy world, we know we can’t change everyone else, we can only improve and change ourselves. Put your trust in God, and work on yourself, and God will reward you for your efforts with the ideal Muslim bride.
Rule of thumb: Allah doesn’t change the situation of people until they change themselves.
